Previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
Hello! Hello! You guys look like you need a quest!
Where are you going?
To Daggerford!
Yeah, that and a hub with the turt gobbos.
Wait, there's turt gobbos?
That's what Domain said.
Something's running towards us. You can't see that?
My name is Fen... Fen Talma. I am of the Waterdeep City Guard.
The goat riders! They're coming!
I'm sorry, the goat riders?
Are they riding goats?
They chased me out and they said they'd come get me for...
for being a turncoat.
Oh, well your coat doesn't seem turned at all.
While everyone's talking, Sully lets loose an arrow at one of the guards on goats.
Okay! Oh, we're doing this! Okay!
Your halfling friend takes the initiative, quite literally.
And then you hear like a jangling going on inside, like a makeshift bell of sorts.
Guys, I think I made a mistake.
Blow my breath weapon like around it.
What is that?
It'll eat you.
It'll eat me?
Oh yeah, if you don't give us the information we want.
And change your ways for better.
What is going on out here?
They've come. They've got seeds.
They untied me.
We're trying to build bridges here.
We would like to talk with you about setting up a goblin district in this city
to live harmoniously with the rest of the people coming to live here.
Say ah, thanks man, you made a good choice.
Those other two, they're very frivolous.
Moot, Glim, Sully has your gold.
And you look in front of you and Bertie has tried to climb into the dungeon.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
We're a D&D 5th edition actual play podcast.
And I'm your dungeon master, Russ More.
And with me today is Karla Maxted.
That is me.
Not staring into the sun because I'm a smart one.
And I play Glim.
Also with me, Amy More.
I am here.
I am the sun.
And I play Sullivan Slate.
And Tom Laird.
That's me.
I'm playing Moot.
Not staring at shit.
Nope, I don't stare.
Eyes closed, full heart, can't lose, right?
That's the same.
It's almost dead.
Nope, that's the same now.
Who's ready for tonight?
Everybody is.
So ready for tonight.
So prepared.
Three out of four of us are anyway.
Funny story.
I made a schedule for the entire year.
And he definitely didn't talk about it every single waking minute.
Didn't talk about it every time we got together and was very proud of it.
And then it gets to tonight.
And I prepped for the wrong game.
Wah wah.
I mean, hopefully won't happen again.
It's lesson learned.
Listen to your own advice.
But read the schedule that you read the schedule.
Don't just assume what you thought you put down.
Read the schedule.
Not when you do it for the whole year, Russ.
You're so far too prepared.
There was no way you could have remembered.
Also, there's no way you're going to do this again.
Because you are now planned.
For next week.
So I'm at least good for two weeks.
But yes, we are playing Moot, Glam and Sully tonight.
And we're very excited about it.
And what we're also very excited about is some of the sweet bonus content we have
coming up over on Patreon.
Which includes a game that just Carla, Amy and I played.
We left Tom out because he was down in Mexico and didn't want to call in.
He was having a good time.
But we had a good time too.
No one had made a year long schedule at that point, Russ.
We were coming to the end of the year, Tom, and it was probably still scheduled.
But you said, fuck you, Russ.
I'm going to Mexico.
That is when I clicked confirm on the trip.
I was like, fuck you, Russ.
Take that, you son of a bitch.
And Carla and I were like, take us with you.
But we have that sweet game.
The Bloodlust Caverns is the game that we played.
And it's a game that I prepped for another table.
And was like, hey, this will be fun to play.
Just do whatever you want.
And we did.
Oh boy, did we.
So did.
I can't wait to listen to it again.
Almost instantly.
I'm so excited to listen to it, all produced by Russ.
Because let me just say, I think it may have been some of Carla and I's best work ever.
They weren't held back by Tom.
This episode is what they're saying.
We weren't held back by anything.
Anything, really.
Fear of mortality.
No, definitely not that.
Definitely leaned into that one-shot mentality.
Higher level, one-shot mentality.
Yeah.
And I think it's going to be a hoot.
But there's that whole, like TomDM is a whole game.
We're on like season three of that.
Like there's so much good content over there.
And when you are a patron, you get an episode dedicated to you.
Like today's patron, Yah-ha-sha.
Oh my goodness.
Is that the best name of one of our patrons?
I think it may be.
Would you yell that?
It's definitely up there.
It might be a joy.
Like that's a joyful expression.
It's a joyful name.
I like it.
Thank you for being a patron.
If anyone rolls a crit 20 tonight, that's what you have to yell.
Yah-ha-sha?
Yah-ha-sha.
Oh, I love it.
Oh, I like it too.
Thanks for being born.
Thanks for being born and for being a patron.
And I hope I remember.
Number one, I hope I roll a crit 20.
And number two, I hope I remember to yell that in exclamatory joy when I do.
You know, it's like huzzah, but better.
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
Go check it out.
And now fuck it.
Let's play D&D.
Previously, you were in Daggerford with your newfound friend Circumference
and Squire Root, who, as they bid you a fond farewell,
they headed further north on their quest for finding round things.
Was that their quest?
Don't know.
It is now.
I thought maybe they were going to look for the next biggest jar of jelly.
Like just going through the sweet condiment list.
Or maybe like a big cheese wheel.
No, definitely round things.
Definitely round things.
And if they ever come back, I'm going to make them build a back story
to say exactly what round things they have found.
Perfect.
But you set out from Daggerford and have now been on foot.
There was no caravan headed your way,
the way you were traveling further down the tradeway.
Odd.
I know.
But you've been traveling for close to 10 days now.
Stopping, camping, catching food as you so desired.
And you come to a fork in the road.
To the east, which is closer to the direction.
Long term, you need to go.
If you look at a map that's a pretty far away east, you need to go.
You were told that you'll run into the city of Subar.
If you go to the west, it leads you back and around to the coast and to Baldur's Gate.
Is it just the three of us?
It is just the three of you.
Ah, forked is a fuck in the road.
No, I think that's it.
No, no, no, no.
Quick, jump in with another character.
No, you hear me rewinding.
Jump in another character.
You hear me rewinding.
I feel like you nailed it.
Old man walks by.
I think she said, fuck, there's a fork in the road.
Fork, there's a fuck in the road.
Maybe you couldn't have done it any right.
I can't even fuck it up.
I don't know why you want to change it.
No, yeah, that's right.
That's what he meant to say.
Of course, it's exactly how Sully talks.
I think you nailed it in your first line into the episode.
You young hooligans and your profanities about roads.
He keeps carrying on.
That random guy that just walks through, you know,
just mocks the way that I talk and then just.
Where's he going?
We haven't seen anybody in days.
Sir, you know, we're going to follow the thread.
How dare you put it in our map?
Oh, no.
Yeah.
What can you tell us about Subaru?
It's down.
What do you want to know about it?
Is that where you're going?
No, no, I'm headed up to water deep there.
Okay.
What do you need to know about Subaru?
What's a jam situation like in Subaru?
Is that some sort of some sort of innuendo like the fuck?
There's a fork in the road or fork?
I don't even fucking know what you said.
I think she actually just means just literal jam.
We were just in Daggerford and there was.
We checked out that huge jar of jam there.
A giant jar of jam.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Anything like that.
So, yeah, well, I mean, Subaru, it's an interesting town.
What is your experience with scary things?
I've heard of some scary things.
Well, there was like a witch that we met one time.
And the ghost boy with only one eye.
Oh, yeah, the ghost boy.
That's cool.
You'll fit right in in Subaru.
No, it's kind of a hot spot for people you don't want to mess around with.
Like, it's not even really a stop in town.
There's no real big place to go.
You probably want to take the shortcut down and go to El Toro or Trielle instead.
Do we have to go through Subaru to get there?
You could.
You could cut through Subaru.
Um, do you like, do you like werefolk and mind flares?
Hot spot for mind flares.
Oh, I've never met a mind flare.
Yeah, you probably don't want to meet a mind flare.
What do mind flares look like?
So we noticed you're clear of them.
Also, is it flair?
Like, like, they're so fantastic.
Like, look at me and my flare.
Mind flare.
No, no, mind flare.
Flair, f-l-a-y-r.
Flair.
Mind flare.
They, um, they have, um, well, you know, they wear robes.
And then they have kind of these tentacly octopus faces.
And they, they flare your mind.
And moot writes down octopus faces.
Does he phonetically spell flare as well?
He does.
F-l-y-f-l-a-y-r.
Flair.
So I, you look like a fine young group.
I wouldn't want to send you to Subar.
Anybody who told you to go to Subar's probably didn't do their prep beforehand.
I don't know about you guys, but I'm like in the mood for adventure.
I feel like you're always in that mood, Sully.
I may only have three or four different moods.
All I picture now is this old man just like Homer Simpson-ing into the shrubs.
Or don't go to Subar and then just vanishes.
Well, I don't know.
What do you guys think?
Um, I mean, he makes it sound.
Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
Yeah.
No.
Over the Borskir Bridge.
Head straight across the path and well, there's Subar.
If you take a, take a right and go south and cut through some other ways,
you could probably hit El Turo.
Might be better.
Your call.
Okay, bye.
Friends, in my mission to know myself better,
I feel like I am not maybe the best judge of character in that I assume
all people have the best motivations at all times.
So what do you think?
Was that man tricking us because Subar is actually amazing?
Or was he giving us genuine terrifying advice about staying away from the scary creatures?
It's, it's tough to tell with the older folk because some of them
genuinely, you know, have, have your best interests in mind.
And other ones, like maybe that fellow who has no friends,
just wants to, you know, fuck with you.
So who knows which way it could go.
Maybe he has just prejudices against
mind flayer and people who have different facial structuralities.
Oh, that could be it.
That's a good point.
I don't know, Sully.
I feel like you are really like a keen student of the nature of humanoid beings.
What do you think?
Was he being truthful?
Oh, geez, man, I'm not sure.
I mean, I generally don't get along with the elderly population
for this exact reason is that because they have very little to lose in life now.
And so they just go ahead and just say whatever the fuck they want is
just generally the feeling that I got from them.
So, I mean, maybe we should leave it up to fate.
You hear heavy footsteps coming from the path to the west.
We're about to meet everybody.
We haven't seen anybody for days,
but all of a sudden we're going to meet a lot of people.
I didn't say you didn't see anybody.
I just said there were no caravans willing to take you that way.
That we hadn't seen anyone for days for us.
It's been days since we've seen anyone.
You hear heavy footsteps running.
Excuse me.
It's a burlier man and he's out of breath from running so far.
He says, excuse me, have you seen and
have you seen an older man were coming his way by himself?
Yes.
Did he escape from an old folks home?
Well, no, excuse me, didn't escape necessarily.
Just, you know, goes on walkabouts.
Yeah, yeah.
And we've been missing him for a few days.
He disappeared into this bush over here.
He just went that way.
You just missed him.
Great.
Where are you three headed?
Well, I don't know.
What do you know about Subar?
Oh, don't fucking go to Subar.
Thanks for your help.
I'm going to go catch the old guy.
Okay.
If one more person comes along and says it's a bad idea, we don't go to Subar.
I mean, rule three, right?
That's exactly what I'm thinking.
You can't ignore the rule of three.
A bird zips by your head.
Don't go to Subar.
Well, I guess.
I feel like we should go to.
You can, it's your call.
Never once have you actively tried to steer us away from doing something so much.
Shall we take pity on him?
He does help me when I fall over, so.
It's true.
Okay.
I mean, okay, I'm telling you not to because this is the first time I'm looking
at the city and you guys will fucking die there.
I have a feeling.
Well, I think maybe we should go to.
Where did he say?
Well, he said Eeltirell or we can just go to Baldur's gate.
Yep.
We could go there.
You guys want to hit the coast?
Maybe find a caravan or find a caravan.
Well, yeah, I'm tired of walking.
And I mean, Glim, I really appreciate you carrying me that last
quarter mile and everything, but.
How far do we know how far it is to Baldur's gate?
Uh, somebody roll a.
I've traveled a bunch.
I should know.
History is history.
Probably a good thing.
Is there a geography role?
Well, which way I think would probably be nature.
No, not nature.
16.
Okay.
Where's a lame ranger when you need one in their knowledge of.
Right.
Um, if we said that was 10 days, then it's probably.
10.
Seven days.
Seven days travel to get to Baldur's gate.
Probably five or six to get you to Elturell.
Cause if we, if we go to Baldur's gate, that's, you know, uh, what?
A week's worth of travel in the wrong direction.
We need to be going east, not, not west.
Well, yeah, but if we get to the coast, I mean, we could board a boat and then
sail up the coast.
Which is also on the eastern side of the world.
Is there a way to sail east if the land is to the east?
You've never seen a map of the location you're going for.
That's something you'd have to ask an NPC for.
Well, all of our NPCs just recently on this have been very single-minded.
It's true.
Really, they've only been focused on one thing.
Russ immediately closes down the map he's looking at.
He's like, Amy, this isn't for you.
No, no, no.
I think Moot's making a good point.
If we want to get east eventually so I can save the world, maybe we should try and steer that way
now.
Yeah, that sounds fair.
So he said if we, we can take a bit of a shortcut and it'll get us to
Elturell.
I think that probably seems like the best strategy.
What do you guys think?
Well, I'm here for it.
Yeah.
I mean, this, uh, Subaru sounds like a bad idea, so let's go around.
And if a bird says so, you know it's bad.
Exactly.
I'm sure there'll be some adventures to be had in Elturell, too.
I know you're itching for adventure, but we'll find something.
You head off and in the direction of Elturell.
You head over the Borskier Bridge.
There is a bit of a trade, a trade settlement near the Borskier Bridge that you pass by.
You could redirect yourself and go there.
Nah, I think we want big, bigger city.
Okay.
We're looking for caravans and horses.
You pass by the Borskier Bridge settlement and, um, you see you reach another,
reach another fork in the road with a big sign that says Subaru this way.
And then a right that leads into the Fields of the Dead, but says Elturell this way.
I feel like we're getting really mixed signals now.
I mean, Subaru's supposed to be very dangerous,
but we have to go through the Fields of the Dead to get to Elturell?
Well, wait, is the Fields of the Dead just a graveyard?
Because that isn't actually that scary.
Do we know about the Fields of the Dead?
Can I history roll on this?
Sure, you're more than, anybody's more than welcome to make a history roll.
17.
Only a 12 for me.
Someone knows their history.
Oh, I haven't rolled yet.
Hang on.
Sully's been around.
It's a 12.
Yes.
Hyrolls know that the Fields of the Dead were once a favored battleground
of the lands north of Calamshan.
So basically they, up to the mid 14th century, they were just littered with
bones and dead soldiers, and as they turned to farmland,
plows would occasionally turn up skeletons and rusting armor and weapons and other battle.
Archaeologists must have been loving this area.
So that's why it's called the Fields of the Dead,
because there are plenty of people who have died and were left there.
Do I know any spooky information about it?
Like, don't go through the Fields of the Dead,
you'll lose your mind or you'll see the ghost of a recently deceased friend or family member.
No, no, didn't.
I do like the specific nature of this warning.
I like a good, very specific warning.
You know, yeah.
Well, okay, so the Fields of the Dead sounds super scary,
but it's just an old battlefield.
Like, now it's just kind of farmland, but I mean,
these hills are for sure made on lots of dead bodies.
Do you ever find when you're trying to make a decision so hard and you just agonize,
but then once you've made it, it's like a weight is lifted
and you just want to stay that course of action?
Totally.
That's how I feel about El Churl.
Well, let's keep going to El Churl.
Perfect.
We go through the Fields of the Dead.
All right.
You head off and through the Fields of the Dead.
And we'll just fast forward, you know, a couple of days
into the center of the Fields of the Dead.
There's nothing interesting.
It's travel between cities.
There's Fields, there's Dead.
I know, but you stopped us, Anna.
Just to be clear, do we run into any other people in these two days?
Are there any old men wandering around?
Sure, definitely.
Any ghosts of a, you know, recently lost loved one?
You, as you get closer to the physical Fields of the Dead,
at night, you tend to hear things that you can't quite explain.
Cries or moans that carry on the winds.
But when investigated, you can't find anything or anyone attached to the sounds.
So Sully doesn't sleep very much.
This.
How much does Sully sleep?
Probably in like two hour intervals and is woken up by a noise and then,
you know, stays awake for a little while and drifts back off.
So he sleeps, but it's restless.
Let's just say that.
Okay.
Good to know.
You travel for...
I take it back.
Another couple of days and you do pass by some random people, various people,
kind of just passing to and from some with small wagons filled with...
Cabages.
Cabages, vegetables, various...
Children.
Silks.
They have children with them, some of them.
The old cabbage wagons of Arteral.
When you get to be about a day away, you're still within the Fields of the Dead proper.
You see up ahead of you over a hill, what looks like an armored retinue of soldiers and clerics
bearing a banner.
And it looks like they've set up some sort of inspection point.
Oh guys, guys, look up ahead.
Act sober.
Act sober?
Aren't you...
Sully, aren't you sober right now?
Yeah, no, of course.
Yeah, I was talking to you guys.
Has Sully been drinking this whole time?
I mean, also we're walking, so I mean you shouldn't really be drunk in public,
but I mean it's not like we're driving a cart or something, it's not.
Guys, be cool.
Okay, okay, you're right, you're right.
So you approach...
Cooly though, right?
Yeah, cooly.
Like looking real cool, like real cash.
So cool.
And the lead, what you assume is the lead soldier.
She steps up to you and says, where are you headed to?
Oh, good day, we're just going to El Tirol.
And what is the purpose of your travel?
Well...
Cut to 10 minutes later.
Okay, and do you have any belongings you would like to declare, allegiances?
I mean, Bahamut, as I mentioned, I do have a prophecy.
I was more talking to the quiet two.
Yes, dear, I got it, Bahamut.
I mean, we're not like, you know...
We're not Bahamaniacs or anything like that.
But we're with Glim here, so we're helping her out with her thing.
All right, a Bahamaniac and her cohorts.
Good, good, good.
Any dangerous goods you're traveling down this way?
Well, we have our weapons on us, but the roads...
The soldier looks kind of at what you're carrying and is like, yeah, it's fine.
Okay.
That's fine.
I was just going to say.
Can I...
I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I'm just curious, are you...
Do you serve the lord of these lands or why are you...
Or the one true lord, Bahamut.
Um, no, no, not the one true lord, Bahamut.
No, we are soldiers and clerics from El Turo.
We've set up these checkpoints and waypoints as kind of a...
We're trying to track down certain cult members who eluded the army of Waterdeep's forces.
Cult? Like the cult of the dragon cult?
Mm-hmm.
Like those purple cloak-wearing motherfuckers?
Yes, exactly.
Those purple cloak-wearing individuals who have done so many wrongs.
Everybody make a wisdom saving throw.
Oh, no.
Wisdom saving throw.
What's a minus one?
Oh, no.
Four.
Twenty.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, wow. All right.
Fourteen.
We are a well-bAlydinced group.
I think that's what this says.
I think that is what it says.
I like it.
Okay. Glim, you sense like a wave of something come over you,
and you notice that there's a cleric who appears to be...
You can presume that they're casting something.
Sully, you and Moot, for whatever reason, must tell the truth.
Motherfucker casts on the truth.
God damn it.
The soldier looks over her shoulder and nods and says,
and have you three had any dealings with the Cult of the Dragon recently?
No, not recently.
No.
I've been with these chuckleheads.
And perhaps ever.
Do you know of any cult travels?
I don't know of any travels.
I did have a run-in with them before I left home,
but that was a while ago now.
Interesting. Where was home?
It was at our half-orc village in High Forest.
Yes, they were hit quite hard.
Well, it wasn't just half-orcs there.
There were some humans, some full-blooded orcs, but mostly half-orcs.
We had a pretty good group of people.
We all lived in pretty good harmony.
Tough to get half-orcs without humans and full-blooded orcs.
Some people don't view that union as a very positive thing,
but there was no judgment in our village, which was fantastic.
Until those cult guys showed up.
No judgment here, my brother.
Thanks, Sully.
And Sora, you said you didn't have any dealings with the cult?
Well, not recently, but in the past for sure.
They did kidnap me that one time, but I got free and I ran.
But then I was kidnapped again in the forest.
A lot of kidnappings for this one, yeah.
Well, I think it might be my size, man.
I'm easily portable or something.
But anyway, and then I woke up in a jail in, what was that?
Always winter?
Never winter?
Forever winter?
Never winter.
Woke up in a jail cell and never winter, saying that I assaulted,
allegedly assaulted another guard.
And which was completely false claims, considering that-
So you were released because the evidence found you free?
Well, absolutely.
They had nothing, nothing to stick on me, which I mean, I say, well,
they would have found that no evidence would stick on me,
but I completely broke that prison.
Yeah, I broke out.
I broke out.
I escaped the prison.
And now, though, I find myself here.
Have I ever once assaulted anybody that was not a monster that was attacking us?
Not that didn't have it coming.
Thank you.
And something was weird with that warden of that jail.
She was clearly setting Sully up for something.
Oh my goodness.
And they had some bad dealings going on.
You know what?
The warden of that jail had some mix-ins in with the Cult of the Dragon.
Some mix-ins, like what you put in with ice cream.
What's ice cream?
You haven't had ice cream.
You were in Neverwinter, and you never had ice cream?
They do not give the inmates sweet treats.
That doesn't really sound like a jail kind of thing.
Maybe I would not have left had they given me some of this ice cream.
Okay, good to know.
All right, well, you are free to pass through.
Cool, thanks.
Sully starts walking.
Just out of curiosity, if we do see some people, some cult people,
do you guys have a home office or is it just all roving field reporters?
Like who do we talk to?
Well, there are many people in the field, so to speak.
If you see anybody between here and El Toro,
you're more than welcome to go speak to the Lord's Guard.
And what's your name so we can tell them
that you suggested we go talk to them?
Shayna.
Wow, that's not where I expected that to go with the initial starting sound.
All right, Shayna, see you around.
Sully's a ways off.
Do you have a description of the cult members?
I assume they're not still going to be wearing their purple robes.
No, no, it's tough to tell them as we have these set up.
There's some who are peculiar.
She kind of looks over to Sully.
Sully looks back, I'm not a cult member.
But watching them long enough, they tend to reveal themselves quite quickly.
Ah, the flashes.
I see.
Aren't you gone yet?
The flash.
For someone who's far away, you've got excellent hearing.
You know what?
Sully does have really good hearing.
I feel like it's been established before.
I was going to say, but I already established that in a backstory somewhere.
She leans into you, Glim, and Moot, I don't know if you've walked off to Sully or not.
Kind of halfway in between.
Okay.
Just, I don't know, how long have you been with these two?
Oh, well, for a while.
I mean, they're part of my destiny.
So we're a trio.
Right, yes, we went over the destiny, yes.
Yes, so they're part of that whole thing.
So they're definitely the good guys.
Keep an eye on the small one, that's all I say.
Someone might check in with you once you reach El Toro.
Never mind about it, it's nothing to be worried.
Someone might ask a few more questions.
Well, I love answering questions.
And she waves you through and goes on to the next group
that was patiently waiting for the last 20 minutes as you discussed all of this.
We're in the middle now.
Thanks for being here.
Welcome to the peanut butter.
We'll have some peanut butter for you.
What if there's people who are allergic?
We'll have sunflower butter for you.
Yeah, some sort of seed butter.
Yeah, you got a seed, we'll make butter out of it.
Let's move on from that statement.
Let's keep going, my goodness.
Let's just keep rolling.
Yeah, that's fair.
Do you know who can name things better than Russ, like seed butter?
Our patrons.
Our patrons can do that.
Oh, that's true.
Yes, thank God for them.
They make up names that don't even start with G, you guys.
Are there even names that don't start with G?
There was a name that started with a G,
and sure, it was a play off of one of my characters.
Was it Grancyne?
But yes, recently, it's been a little while
since we've done this little update here,
and I said I was going to try and be better with it,
but I'm not because I'm not.
You are, you're doing it right now.
You're doing it right now.
Our patrons make up names and give us items in show,
and then we use those in show.
So at the in-world tier, which is $15 a month,
you can submit a character or an NPC
that is involved in the story.
You can create a magic item, magic or mundane item.
You can just give them a paperclip.
That's totally cool too.
On board for it.
Give me a paperclip.
Don't tell me what it's for.
Watch me freak out about it for 30 minutes.
Yes, please.
And you can contribute to a random NPC list.
All that and then everything else in previous tiers,
which is a whole bunch of exclusive bonus content,
but some people who have recently given us names
are Fen Talma, which is the goblin you met
when you were with David and Tiffany,
with the turnt gobos.
Oh yes, yeah.
One of the turnt gobos.
No, the non-turnt gobo.
That was the one from the water deep guard
who gave you the rundown.
The one who's just turned it all around for himself.
Sure.
So that was provided by Fen the Goblin.
Well, thank you Fen the Goblin.
Thank you.
Another name.
These are ones that Carla has brought to life.
So thank you Carla.
Lipsinki, Pip Diggins was provided by Devon Michaels.
My life wouldn't be complete without Lipsinki.
Yep, and they were always supposed to be
kind of a pippy long stocking thing,
which they turned into.
So that was great.
Perfect.
She was real fun.
Then most recently, Lex or Beefy Boy or No Name or Granger.
That whole list of names I had at the beginning.
Yeah, I can't list them all.
But one of which was Lee, because.
Because Lee Henderson provided what I put down originally
as a Frankenstein character, which Lex.
Kind of is.
So thank you very much to our patrons.
There are plenty more names coming on the way.
And if you would like to submit a name or an item
or a paper clip to the show,
you can do so by visiting Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
And that tier specifically is at the $15 a month tier.
But if you can't give quite that much,
we have a whole ton of extra amazing bonus content
plus some more great stuff,
including a special bonus one shot
that Carla and Amy played with me specifically and not Tom.
I can't wait to hear it.
It's going to be so good.
It's a real hoot.
We've been talking this one up a little bit.
It's going to be coming out hopefully by Friday.
If not, then Saturday for sure.
But that'll be hitting Patreon for patrons this week.
So thank you to everybody.
Yes. Thank you for enriching.
Thank you for enriching our podcast with your ideas.
Yes.
Because your ideas are more often than not better than my ideas.
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
Thank you very much.
Enjoy the rest of this episode.
You carry on your way and it's,
you know, you make it to El Toro by kind of dusk.
And you reach the city.
It is a city that lies as soon as you kind of crest over
the hills of the heartlands that you find yourselves in.
It's on a river and there is a main hold, a main keep
that looks like it's in the center of the town.
The city in and of itself sprawls pretty far.
Like it's a reasonably large city.
From what anybody remembers from their history check,
like it's a city of close to 30,000 people.
It was previously evacuated due to the cult following,
but it looks like many people have begun returning to El Toro.
Hey guys, I don't want to stay here very long.
I don't like the initial interrogation
and the poking and prodding into my own personal stuff.
Well, that's fair, but I do understand.
I mean, this whole city was almost destroyed
and the cult really took over.
And so they're just, you know, trying to be protective.
But you're my friend and I want to be protective of you.
So you're right, we probably shouldn't stay too long.
They seem suspicious of you a little.
Well, yeah.
And I mean, like normally I would have like
really protected my own personal like feelings
and history and stuff because I don't think
that kind of stuff matters.
But I just like spilled the freaking beans, man.
Yeah, I was wondering about that.
Didn't seem like the,
you're not usually so forthcoming to strangers.
You make it into the city
and it's largely primarily humans in this city.
You walk past a few as it's getting to be
a little bit after dusk and
nobody really looks too concerned
at any of you walking into town.
So what are you looking for in town?
Probably something to eat and drink,
a place to sleep and then continue on.
Yeah, probably.
You walk through town a little ways.
You make it to a bit of a busier portion of town
as you get further in.
And you make it to a tavern.
And the tavern is called...
Not a library.
What a weird name.
I peeked through a window.
Yeah, this looks like a,
this looks like a bayou, guys.
Is this, is it a name?
So a weird but accurate name.
Yeah, I mean, is it clever or anything?
Am I missing something?
Maybe it used to be a library
and they want,
they got sick of all those bookworms coming in
asking for recommendations
when all they wanted to do was sell mead.
Yeah, maybe.
Do you, well, let's go in.
Want to not go into the li,
not, oh no.
I mean, I like normal libraries,
so I'm sure this will be great too.
One of you heads into not a library,
the tavern in front of you.
And it's not bustling.
There are a few people who are enjoying a meal
and a few drinks.
And many tables that are open.
There is a human male standing behind the tavern,
or standing, standing.
Taking a pee in the alleyway.
Yeah, there is a human male standing behind the bar
and he notices you come in and says,
ah, travelers, what can I get you?
Some answers about your name.
Why not a library?
Well, you know, we were a library.
Oh, so you were right.
They were a library.
Yeah.
I guess it's a very clever name.
And then we're not a library now, you know?
So it seemed like a good fix.
I'll have a meat and got anything like quick
and convenient to eat.
I'm starving and I don't want to wait.
Well, you know, we've been trying to bring in
some different delicacies here to not a library.
Can I interest you in some,
let me see what the chef has whipped up tonight.
And he says,
marinated artichokes seasoned with caper and chicory
and served on a bed of wild mushroom rice.
Fuck yeah, bud.
Thank you.
That sounds delicious.
Do you have anything meatier, too, like?
Well, we have the second thing he put down here
is potatoes, potatoes of all sizes.
Grab a giant potato bowl for potato soup
with a side of roasted potatoes.
So it seems like he ran out of meat.
He really used up all of his culinary.
Inspiration on the first dish.
Really came out with, yeah, the marinated artichokes,
which, you know, not a lot of meat today, apparently.
Butcher day, what day is it?
Butcher day is tomorrow.
Well, that's fine.
I will take the first delicious option.
Marinated artichokes seasoned with caper and chicory
and served with a bed of wild rice.
It takes a long time to write down.
I'm just going to write down artichokes.
Yeah, I'll have that, too.
Do you guys want to share a potato?
Yeah, let's bring us your biggest potato.
Get the big potato.
Get a potato for the table.
Get the biggest potato you have.
Good, good.
You're the first people to order the potatoes.
It's got an exclamation mark on it.
Oh, it has an exclamation mark.
I'd like to potato.
Yeah, he shows you the menu
and there definitely is an exclamation mark right after that.
That's impressive.
Well, you know.
It's exciting.
Yeah, I almost said a G name.
I was just going to say.
Ferret.
Ferret is an excellent chef.
A, B, C, D, E, S, G.
He's going backwards, folks.
He's going backwards.
We have a real ratatouille situation on our hands.
He's totally a ratatouille chef.
He's a rip-off ratatouille chef.
Anyways.
And what's your name find, sir?
Or madam.
I can't remember what it is.
I am a sir.
Yes, yes.
I don't like to presume.
He never likes to assume.
Yep.
Uh, uh, my name is Mon.
Hey, Mon.
Why is it so funny?
Well, it's kind of like man.
But, but it's Mon, M-O-N, not M-A-N.
I know.
I just think you're so cool, Mon.
Thank you.
I'm so glad you three have walked into my,
not a library tonight.
And he kind of mumbles to himself.
Hold on a second.
I got a question.
Thanks, Mon.
Is there any vacancy over at Nottingham?
Nottingham closed down a few, a few years ago.
That's too bad.
Okay.
What about the one beside it?
We are an inn.
Yep.
There definitely have vacancies.
Okay.
That's great.
I just, you guys are all connected here along this like little strip.
So I just kind of thought I'd ask.
Yeah.
Not many travelers through right now.
You know, we're not up to full capacity.
So I'm sure we are an inn would have many places for you to stay.
Cool.
Thanks, Mon.
He walks back into the kitchen.
Guys, can I just say I'm super excited about the potato for the table.
Me too.
I'm so curious.
I mean, the artichoke sound delicious.
Sure.
Like, if that is your first option and then they're going to bring something else,
like this potato is probably going to be amazing.
Well, that's what I'm thinking.
Plus the exclamation mark.
Oh my goodness.
That's what sold it for me.
I'm wondering if it's cooked or not.
I guess we're going to find out.
He didn't really say.
He might just scream potato from the back and then just throw one at us.
You don't know.
I guess, I guess everyone be ready.
I was born ready.
A few moments later.
Do any potatoes fly at our head?
Out of the bag.
I'm ready my action.
Rock it.
It's magic missile potatoes.
That's what it is.
They surely hit you.
Mon comes back.
Hold on.
Magic missile potatoes.
They'll hit the spot.
Write it down.
Somebody write it down.
Amy doesn't write during these.
Merch shirt.
Save it.
Save it for NPC interaction.
Now it's just a thing you said.
I'm sorry, but sometimes it doesn't come up.
And if you don't say it, then like two seconds later, you're like, oh, what was I going to say?
When Mon brings it over, edit all this out.
I'll say, hey, have you thought about?
And then I'll give him the idea.
And then we can add it as merch shirt.
Merch and or shirt.
I would wear a t-shirt that said that.
No one would know what it meant, but I would and it would make me happy.
Not a library.
Yes, I would maybe also like not a library on a shirt.
Mon comes out with several plates, bAlydincing them on his arms, and he lays them down.
And it's the plates of artichokes for those who ordered them.
I think it was everybody.
But and then there was the potato for the table.
He says, I'll bring the potatoes back momentarily.
Enjoy your artichokes seasoned with caper and chicory and served on a bed of wild mushroom rice.
Hey, hey, hey, Mon, something just occurred to me.
I used to be a namologist.
And I'm just saying like potatoes exclamation marks really good.
But what if you name them magic missile potatoes?
They'll hit the spot.
Oh, just think about it.
I like that I'm marinating on.
It's it's good.
You haven't tried them yet.
I just buy the smell of them from the back is all I can assume is that that tastes real good.
Perfect.
I will go I will go fetch the potatoes.
Magic missile, perhaps.
We'll see.
I'll talk to Ferret about it.
See what see what they think.
Really going to have to mull this one over.
OK, I'll be back.
You dive into your.
As he's walking away, I scream at him, mull it over.
A new name for your in-house.
Um, wine, mulled wine.
Yes, yes, your mulled wine.
Yes, thank you.
You're welcome.
Halfling friend.
Your past as a namologist is really seeming to pay off.
Well, it's just kind of feels like you're so fast with them coming to you.
I know.
He comes back with several plates and bowls.
Oh, my.
He lays the plates into each individual down in front of you and gives you each a bowl
and says, I shall return.
There's no potatoes yet.
Sorry, there's no potatoes yet or there's no potatoes yet.
Me saying it.
But yes, you're right.
There's no potatoes yet.
He goes into the back and you hear some grunting and heavy lifting and he comes out
and he's carrying a big pot and has a big plate like this wide on top of his head.
He's very, very talented with bAlydincing things, obviously.
And he pulls up the big bowl of potato soup and puts it down in the middle of the table
and lays the platter of various types of potatoes.
Some baked whole, some cut up cubed raw, some various herbed smoked,
some in spiral twists, others mashed.
And he says, potatoes.
Sully claps his hands.
I am so relieved we just got one for the table.
Oh, my goodness.
What if we all ordered potatoes?
Oh, my.
It is a lot of food.
This looks amazing.
Yes, I was perhaps attempted to revise the menu paper.
Paper is very expensive these days.
But now that we have magic missile potatoes to think about,
it gives us gives us time to think about actually revising.
I mean, that's really a brand you can you can hook on to.
And this is amazing.
But you might want to think about your portion size.
What's wrong with the portion size?
Well, nothing.
But I mean, if you want to really like turn a profit here,
you could you could give at least half the amount of food that you've given here
and people will be so super satisfied with it.
But if a dish is called potatoes and it comes out and has small amounts of potatoes,
less yelly.
But a large variety of potatoes.
There is a large varietal of potatoes.
I'm happy with what I have, Miss.
I was just thinking about your bottom dollar.
Thank you.
More to mull over like the wine.
That's right.
Mull it over.
He brings you your meads and says, well, I've
got new life goals to think about here.
I'll leave you to it.
Thanks, Mon.
Anytime.
Your names were?
Through a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I say, Holly.
Holly.
And I spit potatoes everywhere.
Shully.
OK, got it.
Moot over here.
I'm Glim.
Moot and Glim and Shully.
Got it.
And he goes back behind the bar to speak with some other patrons.
Wow, Sully, you're really have you ever been a business consultant?
I know you've had a lot of jobs and it doesn't really sound like the kind of job
you would have had, but you're giving him a lot of great advice.
A lot of great ideas.
Well, you know, I worked for some time as a musician,
which is just when you are you give ideas to other people,
like you are the source of their of their inspiration.
Carla likes this one.
And so I think that might be where this is coming from,
you know, like I got a lot of really good ideas.
But, you know, sometimes I just hold them all in.
Have you thought about, you know, like writing these all down as the inspiration strikes?
Well, you know, I'm not really great with the pen and paper.
I didn't really go to some any formal educational institution.
But every time I blurt one out, if you want to write it down for me,
Moot, we could be a team.
I mean, I've already been doing that.
Oh, so I'll just continue.
Well, yeah, because why double up the effort?
Well, see, like I already wrote down musician here.
Well, have you never heard of that job?
I've yeah, I've heard of that job just in a different way.
Oh, yeah, it's definitely different spelling.
It's with the T.I.O.N.
You finish up your meals and Mon comes over and says,
Can I get you anything else?
You've given me so much.
What can I give to you?
Do you need more mead?
Do you need more food?
Are you headed over to the we are an inn?
Well, I certainly don't need any more food.
Oh, my gosh.
No, I don't think I you guys gonna have to roll me out of here.
You did finish off all of the potatoes.
So it seems to be a good portion size for perhaps a family or a traveling trio.
Oh, definitely.
I like this whole family style like you serve yourself off the planet.
Yeah, did you feel maybe mention that to people when they order it?
That perhaps it's to feed more than one person.
Good to know.
I love this place.
I think you're doing a great job.
Thank you.
Not a library.
Thank you.
So just the bill then?
Yes, please.
Yes.
Yes, just the bill.
Thank you.
And can we talk to you about a room or is that something that we have to go across the way?
You must go to we are an inn.
They deal with all of their own bookings over there.
Oh, okay.
You can tell them that Martin sent you and perhaps a referral rate will be implemented.
He lays the bill down on the table and says, take your time.
I have this card.
It's favoring frequent flyer miles.
I don't know what this is.
It's legit and I put it back in my pocket.
How much is the bill?
It just says thanks for the heads up and it's free.
Wow.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
It is seven gold.
Oh, I feel like that's a lot of potatoes.
That's a pricey meal.
I feel like we could buy swords for that.
I also feel like we've purchased weapons for less.
But you know what?
They're just getting their economy started again.
So it's true.
It's true.
Who reaches to pay the bill?
Sully starts rummaging around for his sack of gold.
Like, well, I know I got it here somewhere.
Yeah, he's taking a little too long.
I know you're joking, Sully, but you don't find your sack of gold.
Guys, guys.
Yeah?
I didn't have my gold.
What do you mean you don't have your gold?
Well, I had it.
You always have your gold.
Why, and sometimes other people's gold.
Oh, I.
Yeah, did she ever give us our gold?
Sorry, did he ever give us our gold after our last adventure?
When he gave it to Sully?
Yeah, I know circumference gave 500 gold to Sully.
We never ever give it to us.
We never talked about it.
Okay, I guess probably.
Probably I lost it.
Oh, my gosh.
You guys, there was a lot of gold in there.
We have to retrace our steps.
I've got a beautiful mind palaces thing.
We got to see like maybe we should.
And I'm not big on this, but alert the authorities.
You reach into one final pocket and you feel something kind of sticky
and you pull your hand back out and there's some jam on your hand and a note.
And the note says, tanks for goblin place.
Oh, my God.
It says, tanks for goblin place.
I'll misspell.
And their spelling is what I assume that it's not very good.
Again, with the formal education, I try to slide the note over,
but instead it kind of like rolls up into like a little cylinder
because it's so sticky and I just am kind of like, oh, no,
I can't believe those turnt gobbos stole our money.
Well, they were turnt.
So, you know, I can believe it.
Yeah.
I'm just surprised that Sully let it happen.
Well, me too.
Do you think?
I mean, they pickpocketed you.
Well, not entirely.
Well, they jam pocketed you at least.
Well, I saw, you know, I was talking with one of them gobble girls
and I thought, you know, we were hitting it off and she was getting a little fresh.
And apparently it wasn't my cute bum.
She was looking to pinch.
It was my pennies.
I guess that doesn't make sense.
Not just your cute bum.
So, Glim or Moot, you guys got this one.
I'm so sorry.
I lost our money.
I mean, it's okay.
It's not ideal, but it's okay.
So, do we have any money?
I think we did have money to start with at some point.
We don't normally deal with money.
This is a fun new thing we're doing.
I'll save you time.
I'll pay for it.
You both reach into where you normally keep your money and find notes covered in jam.
Thanks for a goblin place.
Oh, those gobbos.
They stole all of our money.
Yep.
Those turnt little so-and-so's.
Gosh.
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Well, I think Flint might be.
No, oh, no, no, it might not be here.
And if he were, though, this is what he'd say.
Whatever you girls want to do.
Way to make us all sound like we're doing a bad Jamaican accent.
Sir Chef is ferret.
And the bar is not a library.
These notes are going to make no sense.
I realize I'm writing this down and I'm going to be like,
Tavern, not a library.
Chef, ferret.
I'm going to be like, real weird game of Mad Libs going on here.
You're welcome, by the way.
I saw you about to random name Jim Ray.
I'm like, no, no, it's not a library.
Feel free to jump in whenever you want.
I like to help build the world.
Yes, please do.
It's fun.
It is fun.
Dumbgeons & Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.